The Resplendent Life and Times of Arjun S Bharadwaj

I still remember the first time I spoke to Arjun S Bharadwaj. You would too, if you were in my place. In a span of ten seconds you will know why it scarred me for life.

I became cognizant of Bharadwaj’s presence after he proved to be the star of the Engineering Mathematics class. Story for a later time. Anyway, after I get to know his name I ask him, “Hey, are you the same Arjun S who sent me a request on orkut? Sorry I did not know you that time so never accepted. Glad to know we’re in the same section”. To which he replies, of all things…

“What is orkut?”

Now I had a good mind of terminating this post here because this would’ve made for an interesting anti climax and proved my point. Nonetheless, it would be sacrilege if no one enlightens the world about his majestic intellect and near exclusive taste in women, music, and technology.

Firstly, women. There is no denying that he gets attracted only to the most pulchritudinous ones. For the benefit of the females reading this post I shalt describe his simple tastes.

1. You either need to be anorexic thin or borderline fat. Obese would be a turn on.

2. You either need to be below 4 feet tall or near 6 feet tall. I must tell you he has sound reasoning to back this up, but what the reasons are is up to you to decipher. I do not spoon-feed information.

3. You either need to have very curly hair or very straight hair.

4. You either need to be REAL nerdy or real dumb. Though in more cases than most, both conditions are analogous to each other.

Now I must tell you, this is not something I made up. But I admit, even his longstanding friends were rather disconcerted by these choices at first. But after you know Arjun S Bharadwaj for a while you would understand the deeper meaning behind the things he does .The deeper meaning here being; being a man of computer science, he sure understands his binary well.

Now how he aims to charm or seduce these females is an epic in itself. For the most part he plays the silent admirer and gets butterflies in his stomach whenever the aforementioned females pass by him. But of late he resorted to being a tad bolder than that. He started trying out everything from giving away free software keys to collecting study material for them. And when all else fails, he uses the ULTIMATE charm he could use on any female worth his steel:

He debugs their lab programs.

His playlist makes even a hardcore music freak green and puffy with envy. For, who else would still take the time out and acknowledge the ebullience of versatile genres and talented singers like Britney Spears, Ricky Martin and Prince; and at the same time hold a fierce indifference to Dylan, Knopfler or Clapton? I am still yet to figure out the deeper meaning behind this.

His passion for technology is unrivalled. He makes it a point to attend all the cloud camps and Dev-Days and collect more number of IT company tee shirts than his fellow tech enthusiasts.

And before I wind up, I am tempted to give you another piece of inside information. Ladies, stop reading RIGHT here for this might dishearten you. For the others, I would like to tell you that there is a highly likely chance that Arjun S Bharadwaj is secretly married.

I choose not to elucidate on this further because this post is already too long for my taste, and also, I feel it is a tad more interesting to sign off shrouding you in mystery.

Au Revoir.

Author’s Note:

And you thought this guy was one of your regular mundane harmless geeks? Tch tch. I tried my best to keep this post more concise, but one can never cut out all the words one wants to in describing the overwhelming qualities of Arjun S Bharadwaj the NERD. Anyway the time spent writing this post bunking my CAT class was time well spent. Now I can sleep in contentment that I have played my part in further enlightening the world regarding the existence of singular characters like GAYtam and Matka and Arjun.

UCM and the resulting Matka Syndrome

Boy, had it been a long time or what. You might be wondering why I haven't farted in this place for quite a while now. Well, for the starters, farting is what you call... very UNlady like, and also, I couldn't just get the impulse of writing GAYtam part 3 off my mind. So this has been a selective writer's block, since GAYtam's mojo is SO strong that it prevented me from thinking about anything else. And now finally I guess I've found an equally entertaining topic which I was requested to put up here OPD^*. So without further ado, I'll launch into the theory.

Well, its called an accident if it happens once, a coincidence if it happens twice and a stellar pattern if it keeps happening time after time. So ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure to chronicle this cosmic concomitance, the Matka Syndrome.

Okay, before I try in vain to pique your curiosity further, I’ll put it plain and simple. There is this very awe-inspiring dude called Matka. And he has an even more awe-inspiring romantic life. I must say that his mojo is SO strong (stronger than GAYtam’s, if I must clear it up) that a selective group of females, who turn many a number of heads around when they walk by, are attracted to him.

Now now, this selective group of females includes lecturers, CAT class mates, visions in orange and anyone else that are drawn to the irresistible phenomenon called, simply, the Matka Syndrome. Indeed, the pattern was so uniquely anomalous we couldn’t help but notice it and be overcome with awe ourselves. For, almost ALL the females who suffer from the Matka Syndrome have an overlapping set of qualities.

For the starters, they all are as atramentous as the night sky, as slim as the rock of Gibraltar and as desperate as Guantanamo Bay prisoners for Eva Mendes’ arse. That said, I felt it was a real shame not to christen him with a term that adds up to his mojo and help us relate to him. Ladies and gentlemen, I hereby present to you, Matka the UCM.

Ugly Chick Magnet.

Well the aforementioned set of females are so overcome by the syndrome that, they resort to all sorts of activities ranging from profligate flirting in the lab, to audacious entry into the HOD’s chamber to change their electives to what our UCM has chosen. And I must tell you, the lecturers from the aforementioned set do not even make an attempt to hide their confoundment or adulation for our guy. Needless to say, those females bequeath upon him the ultimate favor they could bequeath upon anyone – Marks. (What else did you think they were capable of, I say!)

And then when our dude gets bored of all the copiousness of attention in the department, he resorts to romancing adulterous housewives. Very discreetly, of course. For his opportunities in the awesome department full of non-males (as a beloved friend of mine puts it) might diminish. All this said and done, I believe this is enough documentation for the future generations to look up to him and immortalize him in the legends and folklore of RVCE. So I conclude by saying “All hail Matka the UCM” and all that stuff. So long for now.

^*On Public Demand

Author's Note:

I duly acknowledge Monty's intellectual hard work for christening this wonderful phenomenon as the Matka Syndrome and taking my UCM theory to a whole new level. And Alok for the juicy bit on adulterous housewives. I'd also like to thank some of my pals at the wonderful CS dept who encouraged me to get off my lazy butt and put this down to dazzle the general public. Hope you are bedazzled. As the humble chronicler, I was just doing my job.

And finally, Matka, this was ONE effervescent opportunity. Just HAD to pen this down. Apologies for the unbridled sarcasm/wisecracks. Not your fault if the aforementioned chicks target you. Take it with a pinch of salt. Thank you.

Who's Who Stuffers

Well, its been a while since I've posted anything here, and I still have no interesting literature lined up. So I decided to do something else today.

Firstly, hold your breaths. Have some water ready.

Secondly, see this

Thirdly, tell me who/what that is and/or what you think of that.


Author's Note:
Lets see how creative you people can get :P

One Day in the Entrancing Life of a Nerd - III (Extreme Programming)

Yes, they're here. The infamous extra classes (from 4 pm to 6 pm) for the useless people who
1) Do not conform to the stipulated colossal levels of dedication to textbooks (read: below 50% average)
2) Fall ill for more than 6 days per semester(read: below 85% attendance) and
3) Rely on compensatory tests (read: absent for either test/quiz 1 or test/quiz 2)

The day might not be far, when some psychologically tormented, emotionally frustrated soul like me would post the below mentioned notice on the noticeboard of the CS dept:

#include iostream
using namespace std;

class ExtraClasses
{
private:
float average, attendance;
char absent;
public:
ExtraClasses()
{
average = 0.0;
attendance = 0.0;
absent = 'N';
}
ExtraClasses(float x, float y, char z)
{
average = x;
attendance = y;
absent = z;
}
void getScrewed()
{
if(average<=50 || attendance<=85 || absent!='N') // In any ONE subject
{
cout<<"Attend Extra Classes In ALL Subjects from 4 p.m to 6 p.m, else go meet HOD";
return;
}
else
{
cout<<"This means you:";
cout<<"1: Have more than 50% average in ALL subjects";
cout<<"2: Have more than 85% attendance in ALL the subjects";
cout<<"3: Attended ALL the tests and quizzes in ALL the subjects";
cout<<"Simply put, you're a nerd who takes solace in your textbooks and views GPA as a symbol of social status. With no offense meant, GET A LIFE";
}
}
};

int main()
{
ExtraClasses E(95, 100, N);
cout<<"This is the output for more than 90% of the students in CS dept, yours truly excluded:";
E.getScrewed();
return 0;
}

Author's Note:
Needless to say, am one of those useless souls who is supposed to attend those brain mortifying classes. Yeah, I was absent to one of the tests. So anyway, see you in hell.

Pulp Fiction - I (Alone, All Alone)

All I could see before me is an apparition mouthing some words which my ears picked up, but my brain refused to comprehend. Yes, an apparition indeed. For, at that moment, nothing seemed real anymore. There are a very few things in my life which I desperately wanted to turn out right, and this was one of them. And as with all the things that we desperately want to turn out right, this turned out all wrong.

I was rooted there for a while, mouth agape trying not to get lost in the whirlwind of emotions that gripped me. I felt a bout of nausea, but I warded it off. I always like to be in control. Panic attacks are for losers. Nonetheless, it took me another full minute to regain control. And once that happened, I made a dash out of that foredoomed place. I needed fresh air as desperately as a marooned man needed sex. Once I got out, I found no taxis. The fact that it was 3 a.m in the night didn't help.

The relentless pattering of rain didn't help either. The sky was being ripped apart by jagged bolts of lightning. Cliched line it is, but sometimes life itself sounds so cliched. Anyway as I was saying, all that rain and the patterns of lightning in the sky would have been a pretty sight, had I been sitting on the front porch with a cup of hot chocolate in my hand and a blanket on my lap. But no, not that day. Not at that moment. At that moment I just wished the rain would take me down with it. Take me down all the way down the street, to the gutters, to the no man's land, far away from the civilization. Civilization is a term I would have spit on, had anyone mentioned it to me that time.

No one did.

No one was there by me. It made remember the words the mariner had said...

Alone, alone, all, all alone,
Alone on a wide wide sea!
And never a saint took pity on
My soul in agony.

Author's Note:
This I write in some dumb attempt at fiction, as a part of something else which I started writing and discontinued eons back. I know it sounds kinda arbit here. That is what the title is about... Pulp Fiction as in, fiction beaten to pulp, after which it hardly makes sense. Kindly bear with it.

One Day in the Entrancing Life of a Nerd - II (Nerd Porn)

In the past I have brought to light the abstruseness presented to these puberty-facing nerds by anything remotely feminine. Now its about time I shed light on the kind of porn they enjoy. I can give you multitudinous examples as to the above mentioned aspect, now that I have survived a year and a half in their company; but do let us concentrate on one or two now, for the sake of focus and clear understanding.

Let us say there is this nerd. And for the sake of anonymity let us call him DP. Now one day DP and I are gtalking. Here's the dialogue (paraphrased, I don't archive my chats):

DP: (All excited) Hey, check out my facebook album !!!!!! Bubbly gave Bunty a lift on her bike, as he didn't have his bus today !!!!! I snapped a pic from my bus and posted it !!!!!!!!!
ME: (After seeing the pic) I hate to be left out, but what's so amusing in that? Its just a guy and girl on a bike.
DP: Its a GUY and a GIRL on a bike !!!!!!!
ME: @$&#$@^&*@

Needless to say, that very pic was passed on to every nerdy soul in the hostel who jerked away to glory at the near pornographic image of a guy and girl sitting on a bike. I would've left it at that presuming it to be an innocent erratum in an otherwise past-puberty life... but only a few weeks after this, PD does it again!

Only this time, it is the picture of yours truly sitting beside a guy teaching him graph theory. Yes, yes... I know the connotations that come attached to this.
Guy+Girl+Books = PERFECT Nerd Porn!

Needless to say again, this very pic is also passed on to every nerdy soul in the hostel. After all, its every nerd's wet dream to jerk away to such pics. I mean, it ain't everyday you see guys and girls sitting together.
No, not in their world.

And apparently, they now hold DP in unmitigated respect for supplying them with quality nerd porn. This statement I make after seeing umpteen copy/pasted gtalk conversations of those nerds dousing him in copious doses of encomiums. How and when, don't ask me. A good reporter never reveals her sources. And apparenly PD is busy going on a merry go round and celebrating his victory at shooting a near perfect nerd pornographic picture.

Me? I'm jubiliant! Couldn't be more jubiliant at the moment. I have one more adventure to brag about to my (supposedly adopted) kids later in life.

I, ladies and gentlemen, have starred in nerd porn!!

So here's to the only man and the savior of all the nerds' otherwise non-existent sex lives, who single-handedly shoots risque images of excellence, who out-masturbated even the supposedly horniest chap in NPS, and rightfully living upto his name Pencil Dick. To the official porn supplier of all the nerds in RV...

*clink* Cheers!

Author's Note:

Do not get this the wrong way. Am neither condemning him, nor spatting venom. Am merely trying to chronicle such priceless events in history. I can't complain, really. Frankly, am enjoying all the attention. Attention I could otherwise not even dream of getting from the nerd lot. Oh and by the way, thanks to Gaytam for supplying the dirt on the merry go round.

One Day in the Entrancing Life of a Nerd - I (Girl Issues)

Today was one of those days when I was supposed to meet the HOD to get screwed by his almighty for whatever egregious reason. I didn't have my ID card, and I most certainly didn't want that to add up for the aforementioned egregious reason for which I was supposedly getting screwed. So I see this dude (read: nerd) from my class loitering around. Here's the conversation...

Time: 11:00 a.m
ME: Yo dude, gimme your lanyard, will return in class. I don't have mine and I gotta meet lord almighty now.
DUDE: (gives me an inscrutable look) Ask from someone, I have to go. (dashes off)
ME: %#&*@%$!^&#*

Time: 12:20 p.m
(I stand there chatting up some friend, aforementioned dude comes up to me)
DUDE: Hey, why did you ask my lanyard in front of everyone in the morning?
ME: Jeez dude, relax. I asked for your lanyard, not your underpants. Why you getting all psyched?
DUDE: No, you're a girl. And if any girl talks to any guy in public, the guy gets teased. That's the unspoken rule. Anyway I'll go now, can't be seen with a girl. Bye.
ME: %#&*@%$!^&#*


Well, I just hope the above referred people get past their puberty soon enough. I mean they're what... 20 now, and if it doesn't happen anytime soon, God dude knows when its bound to happen.


Author's Note:
Time for my disclaimer. The above mentioned situation is a FACT. I neither exaggerated it nor tweaked it as per my whims (as I usually do). And the title has got nothing to do with me. I used it w.r.t the nerd lot. And the 'I' doesn't indicate that 'II' is in the offing. It is subject to the availability of such ludicrous situations and my enthu to pen them down. Oh by the way, wherever there is a dude, mentally scratch it out and throw in a nerd.

There are no dudes in CS. Period.