One Day in the Entrancing Life of a Nerd - III (Extreme Programming)

Yes, they're here. The infamous extra classes (from 4 pm to 6 pm) for the useless people who
1) Do not conform to the stipulated colossal levels of dedication to textbooks (read: below 50% average)
2) Fall ill for more than 6 days per semester(read: below 85% attendance) and
3) Rely on compensatory tests (read: absent for either test/quiz 1 or test/quiz 2)

The day might not be far, when some psychologically tormented, emotionally frustrated soul like me would post the below mentioned notice on the noticeboard of the CS dept:

#include iostream
using namespace std;

class ExtraClasses
{
private:
float average, attendance;
char absent;
public:
ExtraClasses()
{
average = 0.0;
attendance = 0.0;
absent = 'N';
}
ExtraClasses(float x, float y, char z)
{
average = x;
attendance = y;
absent = z;
}
void getScrewed()
{
if(average<=50 || attendance<=85 || absent!='N') // In any ONE subject
{
cout<<"Attend Extra Classes In ALL Subjects from 4 p.m to 6 p.m, else go meet HOD";
return;
}
else
{
cout<<"This means you:";
cout<<"1: Have more than 50% average in ALL subjects";
cout<<"2: Have more than 85% attendance in ALL the subjects";
cout<<"3: Attended ALL the tests and quizzes in ALL the subjects";
cout<<"Simply put, you're a nerd who takes solace in your textbooks and views GPA as a symbol of social status. With no offense meant, GET A LIFE";
}
}
};

int main()
{
ExtraClasses E(95, 100, N);
cout<<"This is the output for more than 90% of the students in CS dept, yours truly excluded:";
E.getScrewed();
return 0;
}

Author's Note:
Needless to say, am one of those useless souls who is supposed to attend those brain mortifying classes. Yeah, I was absent to one of the tests. So anyway, see you in hell.

Pulp Fiction - I (Alone, All Alone)

All I could see before me is an apparition mouthing some words which my ears picked up, but my brain refused to comprehend. Yes, an apparition indeed. For, at that moment, nothing seemed real anymore. There are a very few things in my life which I desperately wanted to turn out right, and this was one of them. And as with all the things that we desperately want to turn out right, this turned out all wrong.

I was rooted there for a while, mouth agape trying not to get lost in the whirlwind of emotions that gripped me. I felt a bout of nausea, but I warded it off. I always like to be in control. Panic attacks are for losers. Nonetheless, it took me another full minute to regain control. And once that happened, I made a dash out of that foredoomed place. I needed fresh air as desperately as a marooned man needed sex. Once I got out, I found no taxis. The fact that it was 3 a.m in the night didn't help.

The relentless pattering of rain didn't help either. The sky was being ripped apart by jagged bolts of lightning. Cliched line it is, but sometimes life itself sounds so cliched. Anyway as I was saying, all that rain and the patterns of lightning in the sky would have been a pretty sight, had I been sitting on the front porch with a cup of hot chocolate in my hand and a blanket on my lap. But no, not that day. Not at that moment. At that moment I just wished the rain would take me down with it. Take me down all the way down the street, to the gutters, to the no man's land, far away from the civilization. Civilization is a term I would have spit on, had anyone mentioned it to me that time.

No one did.

No one was there by me. It made remember the words the mariner had said...

Alone, alone, all, all alone,
Alone on a wide wide sea!
And never a saint took pity on
My soul in agony.

Author's Note:
This I write in some dumb attempt at fiction, as a part of something else which I started writing and discontinued eons back. I know it sounds kinda arbit here. That is what the title is about... Pulp Fiction as in, fiction beaten to pulp, after which it hardly makes sense. Kindly bear with it.

One Day in the Entrancing Life of a Nerd - II (Nerd Porn)

In the past I have brought to light the abstruseness presented to these puberty-facing nerds by anything remotely feminine. Now its about time I shed light on the kind of porn they enjoy. I can give you multitudinous examples as to the above mentioned aspect, now that I have survived a year and a half in their company; but do let us concentrate on one or two now, for the sake of focus and clear understanding.

Let us say there is this nerd. And for the sake of anonymity let us call him DP. Now one day DP and I are gtalking. Here's the dialogue (paraphrased, I don't archive my chats):

DP: (All excited) Hey, check out my facebook album !!!!!! Bubbly gave Bunty a lift on her bike, as he didn't have his bus today !!!!! I snapped a pic from my bus and posted it !!!!!!!!!
ME: (After seeing the pic) I hate to be left out, but what's so amusing in that? Its just a guy and girl on a bike.
DP: Its a GUY and a GIRL on a bike !!!!!!!
ME: @$&#$@^&*@

Needless to say, that very pic was passed on to every nerdy soul in the hostel who jerked away to glory at the near pornographic image of a guy and girl sitting on a bike. I would've left it at that presuming it to be an innocent erratum in an otherwise past-puberty life... but only a few weeks after this, PD does it again!

Only this time, it is the picture of yours truly sitting beside a guy teaching him graph theory. Yes, yes... I know the connotations that come attached to this.
Guy+Girl+Books = PERFECT Nerd Porn!

Needless to say again, this very pic is also passed on to every nerdy soul in the hostel. After all, its every nerd's wet dream to jerk away to such pics. I mean, it ain't everyday you see guys and girls sitting together.
No, not in their world.

And apparently, they now hold DP in unmitigated respect for supplying them with quality nerd porn. This statement I make after seeing umpteen copy/pasted gtalk conversations of those nerds dousing him in copious doses of encomiums. How and when, don't ask me. A good reporter never reveals her sources. And apparenly PD is busy going on a merry go round and celebrating his victory at shooting a near perfect nerd pornographic picture.

Me? I'm jubiliant! Couldn't be more jubiliant at the moment. I have one more adventure to brag about to my (supposedly adopted) kids later in life.

I, ladies and gentlemen, have starred in nerd porn!!

So here's to the only man and the savior of all the nerds' otherwise non-existent sex lives, who single-handedly shoots risque images of excellence, who out-masturbated even the supposedly horniest chap in NPS, and rightfully living upto his name Pencil Dick. To the official porn supplier of all the nerds in RV...

*clink* Cheers!

Author's Note:

Do not get this the wrong way. Am neither condemning him, nor spatting venom. Am merely trying to chronicle such priceless events in history. I can't complain, really. Frankly, am enjoying all the attention. Attention I could otherwise not even dream of getting from the nerd lot. Oh and by the way, thanks to Gaytam for supplying the dirt on the merry go round.

One Day in the Entrancing Life of a Nerd - I (Girl Issues)

Today was one of those days when I was supposed to meet the HOD to get screwed by his almighty for whatever egregious reason. I didn't have my ID card, and I most certainly didn't want that to add up for the aforementioned egregious reason for which I was supposedly getting screwed. So I see this dude (read: nerd) from my class loitering around. Here's the conversation...

Time: 11:00 a.m
ME: Yo dude, gimme your lanyard, will return in class. I don't have mine and I gotta meet lord almighty now.
DUDE: (gives me an inscrutable look) Ask from someone, I have to go. (dashes off)
ME: %#&*@%$!^&#*

Time: 12:20 p.m
(I stand there chatting up some friend, aforementioned dude comes up to me)
DUDE: Hey, why did you ask my lanyard in front of everyone in the morning?
ME: Jeez dude, relax. I asked for your lanyard, not your underpants. Why you getting all psyched?
DUDE: No, you're a girl. And if any girl talks to any guy in public, the guy gets teased. That's the unspoken rule. Anyway I'll go now, can't be seen with a girl. Bye.
ME: %#&*@%$!^&#*


Well, I just hope the above referred people get past their puberty soon enough. I mean they're what... 20 now, and if it doesn't happen anytime soon, God dude knows when its bound to happen.


Author's Note:
Time for my disclaimer. The above mentioned situation is a FACT. I neither exaggerated it nor tweaked it as per my whims (as I usually do). And the title has got nothing to do with me. I used it w.r.t the nerd lot. And the 'I' doesn't indicate that 'II' is in the offing. It is subject to the availability of such ludicrous situations and my enthu to pen them down. Oh by the way, wherever there is a dude, mentally scratch it out and throw in a nerd.

There are no dudes in CS. Period.