The Resplendent Life and Times of Arjun S Bharadwaj

I still remember the first time I spoke to Arjun S Bharadwaj. You would too, if you were in my place. In a span of ten seconds you will know why it scarred me for life.

I became cognizant of Bharadwaj’s presence after he proved to be the star of the Engineering Mathematics class. Story for a later time. Anyway, after I get to know his name I ask him, “Hey, are you the same Arjun S who sent me a request on orkut? Sorry I did not know you that time so never accepted. Glad to know we’re in the same section”. To which he replies, of all things…

“What is orkut?”

Now I had a good mind of terminating this post here because this would’ve made for an interesting anti climax and proved my point. Nonetheless, it would be sacrilege if no one enlightens the world about his majestic intellect and near exclusive taste in women, music, and technology.

Firstly, women. There is no denying that he gets attracted only to the most pulchritudinous ones. For the benefit of the females reading this post I shalt describe his simple tastes.

1. You either need to be anorexic thin or borderline fat. Obese would be a turn on.

2. You either need to be below 4 feet tall or near 6 feet tall. I must tell you he has sound reasoning to back this up, but what the reasons are is up to you to decipher. I do not spoon-feed information.

3. You either need to have very curly hair or very straight hair.

4. You either need to be REAL nerdy or real dumb. Though in more cases than most, both conditions are analogous to each other.

Now I must tell you, this is not something I made up. But I admit, even his longstanding friends were rather disconcerted by these choices at first. But after you know Arjun S Bharadwaj for a while you would understand the deeper meaning behind the things he does .The deeper meaning here being; being a man of computer science, he sure understands his binary well.

Now how he aims to charm or seduce these females is an epic in itself. For the most part he plays the silent admirer and gets butterflies in his stomach whenever the aforementioned females pass by him. But of late he resorted to being a tad bolder than that. He started trying out everything from giving away free software keys to collecting study material for them. And when all else fails, he uses the ULTIMATE charm he could use on any female worth his steel:

He debugs their lab programs.

His playlist makes even a hardcore music freak green and puffy with envy. For, who else would still take the time out and acknowledge the ebullience of versatile genres and talented singers like Britney Spears, Ricky Martin and Prince; and at the same time hold a fierce indifference to Dylan, Knopfler or Clapton? I am still yet to figure out the deeper meaning behind this.

His passion for technology is unrivalled. He makes it a point to attend all the cloud camps and Dev-Days and collect more number of IT company tee shirts than his fellow tech enthusiasts.

And before I wind up, I am tempted to give you another piece of inside information. Ladies, stop reading RIGHT here for this might dishearten you. For the others, I would like to tell you that there is a highly likely chance that Arjun S Bharadwaj is secretly married.

I choose not to elucidate on this further because this post is already too long for my taste, and also, I feel it is a tad more interesting to sign off shrouding you in mystery.

Au Revoir.

Author’s Note:

And you thought this guy was one of your regular mundane harmless geeks? Tch tch. I tried my best to keep this post more concise, but one can never cut out all the words one wants to in describing the overwhelming qualities of Arjun S Bharadwaj the NERD. Anyway the time spent writing this post bunking my CAT class was time well spent. Now I can sleep in contentment that I have played my part in further enlightening the world regarding the existence of singular characters like GAYtam and Matka and Arjun.

UCM and the resulting Matka Syndrome

Boy, had it been a long time or what. You might be wondering why I haven't farted in this place for quite a while now. Well, for the starters, farting is what you call... very UNlady like, and also, I couldn't just get the impulse of writing GAYtam part 3 off my mind. So this has been a selective writer's block, since GAYtam's mojo is SO strong that it prevented me from thinking about anything else. And now finally I guess I've found an equally entertaining topic which I was requested to put up here OPD^*. So without further ado, I'll launch into the theory.

Well, its called an accident if it happens once, a coincidence if it happens twice and a stellar pattern if it keeps happening time after time. So ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure to chronicle this cosmic concomitance, the Matka Syndrome.

Okay, before I try in vain to pique your curiosity further, I’ll put it plain and simple. There is this very awe-inspiring dude called Matka. And he has an even more awe-inspiring romantic life. I must say that his mojo is SO strong (stronger than GAYtam’s, if I must clear it up) that a selective group of females, who turn many a number of heads around when they walk by, are attracted to him.

Now now, this selective group of females includes lecturers, CAT class mates, visions in orange and anyone else that are drawn to the irresistible phenomenon called, simply, the Matka Syndrome. Indeed, the pattern was so uniquely anomalous we couldn’t help but notice it and be overcome with awe ourselves. For, almost ALL the females who suffer from the Matka Syndrome have an overlapping set of qualities.

For the starters, they all are as atramentous as the night sky, as slim as the rock of Gibraltar and as desperate as Guantanamo Bay prisoners for Eva Mendes’ arse. That said, I felt it was a real shame not to christen him with a term that adds up to his mojo and help us relate to him. Ladies and gentlemen, I hereby present to you, Matka the UCM.

Ugly Chick Magnet.

Well the aforementioned set of females are so overcome by the syndrome that, they resort to all sorts of activities ranging from profligate flirting in the lab, to audacious entry into the HOD’s chamber to change their electives to what our UCM has chosen. And I must tell you, the lecturers from the aforementioned set do not even make an attempt to hide their confoundment or adulation for our guy. Needless to say, those females bequeath upon him the ultimate favor they could bequeath upon anyone – Marks. (What else did you think they were capable of, I say!)

And then when our dude gets bored of all the copiousness of attention in the department, he resorts to romancing adulterous housewives. Very discreetly, of course. For his opportunities in the awesome department full of non-males (as a beloved friend of mine puts it) might diminish. All this said and done, I believe this is enough documentation for the future generations to look up to him and immortalize him in the legends and folklore of RVCE. So I conclude by saying “All hail Matka the UCM” and all that stuff. So long for now.

^*On Public Demand

Author's Note:

I duly acknowledge Monty's intellectual hard work for christening this wonderful phenomenon as the Matka Syndrome and taking my UCM theory to a whole new level. And Alok for the juicy bit on adulterous housewives. I'd also like to thank some of my pals at the wonderful CS dept who encouraged me to get off my lazy butt and put this down to dazzle the general public. Hope you are bedazzled. As the humble chronicler, I was just doing my job.

And finally, Matka, this was ONE effervescent opportunity. Just HAD to pen this down. Apologies for the unbridled sarcasm/wisecracks. Not your fault if the aforementioned chicks target you. Take it with a pinch of salt. Thank you.